11/9/2024

i took the diary down bc i wanted my parents to see the site and now they have seen it so i think it's safe to put it up again. i need it right now. its the only cry for help i feel comfortable expressing, knowing that very few people will see it and reach out and feel obligated to pretend to care and blah blah. i actually put it up mostly because Q said she read it and it made her see me in a different light and that was sort of the goal of putting it here publicly in the first place. so you can all know what the person behind this is really like.

i was so fucking wrong. so fucking wrong. but i have my own apartment now so i'm okay. i don;t know how i'm ever going to get over that. taht was so fucking awful like genuinely. jesus. it really hurts my chest. i don't feel a lot of emotions but when i do i feel them right in my chest and it canbe very painful, sometimes i take advil to try to make it go away. not sure if it works. my... i dont know. i have a problem thats not really a problem anyone can fix but me. i just want a girlfriend so bad. someone. anyone. i LIVED with my bestfriend and lover for 10 intense months and we talked about getting married and genuinely planned to buy a house together. can you actually imagine the pain i went through when he. did that. i wasn;t mad that he hurt me and that he violated me, i don't really care about that. i was just mad that he ruined my plans. i mean of course i was upset about never being able to feel that happy again, at least for a long time. i was mad he ruined everything. and i was mad he ruined my plans. everyone i talked to told me they would've screamed their heads off and cut his dick off. but i didn't. i was NICE to him. and he had the balls to tell me i was being a bitch. i was nice to him and he didn;t deserve it because he ruined his life just for a little fun and proved to me that i didn't matter to him. never fucking noticed i was in pain. never fucking noticed?? how the fuck can you not notice when i say it to your face. never fucking noticed. never fucking noticed.

i got used to a higher standard of living. i need a girlfriend. i need someone. ugh i need to kill myself. worthless piece of shit. need to get a job so i can make money so i can get medication. not that i'll even take the medication, ill probably punish myself for waiting so long to get it by not taking it. no wonder i'll be alone forever. can't even do one simple thing right. worthless.

id bite his fucking ear off and swallow it. his blood would feel warm inside me