11/9/2024

i took the diary down bc i wanted my parents to see the site and now they have seen it so i think it's safe to put it up again. i need it right now. its the only cry for help i feel comfortable expressing, knowing that very few people will see it and reach out and feel obligated to pretend to care and blah blah. i actually put it up mostly because Q said she read it and it made her see me in a different light and that was sort of the goal of putting it here publicly in the first place. so you can all know what the person behind this is really like.

i was so fucking wrong. so fucking wrong. but i have my own apartment now so i'm okay. i don;t know how i'm ever going to get over that. taht was so fucking awful like genuinely. jesus. it really hurts my chest. i don't feel a lot of emotions but when i do i feel them right in my chest and it canbe very painful, sometimes i take advil to try to make it go away. not sure if it works. my... i dont know. i have a problem thats not really a problem anyone can fix but me. i just want a girlfriend so bad. someone. anyone. i LIVED with my bestfriend and lover for 10 intense months and we talked about getting married and genuinely planned to buy a house together. can you actually imagine the pain i went through when he. did that. i wasn;t mad that he hurt me and that he violated me, i don't really care about that. i was just mad that he ruined my plans. i mean of course i was upset about never being able to feel that happy again, at least for a long time. i was mad he ruined everything. and i was mad he ruined my plans. everyone i talked to told me they would've screamed their heads off and cut his dick off. but i didn't. i was NICE to him. and he had the balls to tell me i was being a bitch. i was nice to him and he didn;t deserve it because he ruined his life just for a little fun and proved to me that i didn't matter to him. never fucking noticed i was in pain. never fucking noticed?? how the fuck can you not notice when i say it to your face. never fucking noticed. never fucking noticed.

i got used to a higher standard of living. i need a girlfriend. i need someone. ugh i need to kill myself. worthless piece of shit. need to get a job so i can make money so i can get medication. not that i'll even take the medication, ill probably punish myself for waiting so long to get it by not taking it. no wonder i'll be alone forever. can't even do one simple thing right. worthless.

id bite his fucking ear off and swallow it. his blood would feel warm inside me

12/18/2024

im a fucking asshole. in other news everything is going really well. i start business school in a couple weeks, and it's already been paid for by the government. very nice. i wish i had the motivation to make art but my hand just hurts too bad still. i need to see a doctor. i need to see a therapist too. im a lot like shinji. i hurt people because im a coward, but ive never hurt anyone on purpose. it makes things very hard.

12/27/2024

previous issue resolved itself very quickly. my christmas was good, i got a snuggie. my stupid debit card isn't working so i can't order pizza. stupid.. stupif.. im so hungry... idk what im supposed to do its a saturday at 3pm am i supposed to go outside and like have fun and go shopping like other teenaged girls do or is it okay if i just stay inside all day and do laundry?? ugh i dobn't want to do anything i just want to get high and write my little stories and draw pictures and stuff. i wish i had a maid that would just take care of all the chores. i still need to go to the dentist and find a therapist or a psychiatrist.

1/14/2024

i got a therapist, my first session is tomorrow! very good! havent gotten a dentist but my mom is gonna help me with that. i was gonna take business classes and get a business degree, but im not going to anymore. i dropped out and im taking a gothic romance writing class instead. ill get small businesses for dummies, and take classes that will actually help me, instead of trying to get a degree. that's what i wanted, but i convinced myself i needed a degree and i needed to torture myself to get what i want. but its okay! i am very talented and i'm doing very well for my age, so it'll be okay. i need to get a real job soon, i'll have to be able to take care of myself soon. i'm going to try to get a job at laika, or try to be an artist at nike. i'm not sure, i'm hoping the longer i stay here the more opportunities will just fall into my lap.

my uncle gifted me a really good animation software, it was really expensive so i HAVE to animate something this year. i want to make another film, another film about ghoul. but more like my original idea. i've always wanted to make a cartoon, so my thought is to make the pilot episode of they were a good ghoul. it's a lot of pressure trying to make an animated series all on your own, and have really high standards for yourself. i'm hoping everything will just work out. if not, i can always get a roommate, right? i can start working fulltime at any point. i work at the grocery store right now, i shop online orders for doordash and stuff. i really don't want to do that fulltime, it's a fun job but it doesnt require any skill and it hurts my back and my feet. i like how much time off i have, i love being part-time. with the way my schedule is, i should be working part time at the grocery store, and part time on my new film. it's so much pressure to do things every day, i'm not used to having so much freedome over my life. last time i had this much freedome i didn't know what to do with it, so i just sat alone in my room all day every day. now i have money and no one watching me, so i have to be really responsible for my future and for my happiness. it's a lot of pressure. it's really scary, all of it. i still want to kill myself sometimes, just because sleeping is easier than being awake. i want to live though, i have a lot of things i want to do.