5/16/2024

ahh um. my anxiety has become very very bad. i want to go to art classes outside of school, like to meet more friends and learn more fundementals and get more chances to talk to people in general. but i.. i don't know. my social skills are just really wretched. it feels terrible. i feel like i just have a series of preloaded dialogue options and when someone says something to be i just randomly select one. i don't know how to be.. spontaneous? i feel like i'm just a very boring person and i don't really know how to live my life the same way everyone else does. everything seems so much easier for everyone else. why does it have to be so hard for me?

i'm supposed to be animating a film right now. i put liquor in my coffee so i could have some.. motivation i guess. but it didn't work. i've been coding all day and watching midwest magic cleaning videos. i like the way he talks about mental illness. what gets me about these videos though is how effortless it is for him to be so caring.

everything would be fine if i could just make art. i go to art school and i feel like i make less art than ever before. i have no motivation and i feel so lost. what do i do with my characters? im an adult now and i'm still holding onto all the same habits and characters and stories i had in highschool. maybe its time to start making some big changes.

5/25/2024

im currently fighting for my life on the shitter rn after eating a sirloin streak at denny’s. i met this person online that just amazes me— i easily fall in love with anyone that i admire, that i want to be like. they’re pretty much everything i wish i was. i suppose we aren’t that different, but they charm me to no end and i wish i had the same power over people. perhaps others don’t find them as charming as i do, after all, i think the most attractive thing a person can do is be insane. they’re lovely and talented and endlessly educated on the most obscure and interesting of things. i wish i was more like them.

i dont know what i want. i dont know how to make myself happy. i dont know how to be happy. i dont even think i like being happy. everything is so different. im so scared. im so very lonely.

sex is weird.

6/5/2024

things aren't getting easier really. i have more wants i think which feels good. the saddest thing is when you don't even have the enrrgy to want. but i still don't have the energy to ffulfil those wants. i wanna join a bookclub or something. make friends. but i also want to delete discord, cut off contct with everyone. i don't know. school is hard. i dont know what i wanna do in the future. i wanna stay with my partner i think. i dunno. i keep trying to sabotage myself. i keep thinking about all the bad things instead of the good things. its annoying because everything that goes wrong in my life is my fault or no ones fault at all. no one else ever does anything wrong, i don't get to blame anyone. its so hard to know what to do with all my frustration. fuck i. and i dont want to whine in anyones dms or text anyone. i feel like im nto allowed to complain to anyone. like everyone always talks big liek they care about me and theyre there for me. but i dont want to ruin their day with my problems. besides, who are these random people? why would i reach out to you of anyone? shouldnt it be someone that i didnt lose contact with? someone that i still care for? im so bad at loving people. im so sick of hating myself.

6/5½/2024

i used to text suicide and self harm hotlines when i was in my mid teens. i wasn't suicidal and i've never been a real danger to myself, so there wasn't ever really any need for me to contact them. id sit on the floor of my room and they'd ask me what was wrong and all i could say was i dont know. i don't know what wrong, i'm sad, im anxious, i wish i could hurt myself. they never had to beg me not to hurt myself. they'd ask me once "can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself tonight?" and i'd say yes because just the idea that they might get in trouble with their supervisor because of me was enough to stop me. other people always matter so much more than i do. and theyd go through their checklist, like they really cared. theyd make me count all these things in my room, sight, sound, smell, touch. and it never helped becasue i couldn't hear their voice or know what they looked like or even have any inkling of an idea that there was a real human being that was there for me. it made me feel even more alone than i did before. and afterward i would go back out into the living room and watch anime on the tv. we lived in the desert and every weekend my family would go into the city without me and leave me there alone. it was the only time i got to myself. i turned off all the lights and put all the pillows oon the floor and i would crank up the ac so cold that i could be comfortable wearing my favorite jeans and sweater that made me feel like my favorite character. it was the only thing that helped me. and no one knew i was sad. no one knew i was alone. no one reached out to me no one was there for me. and still i am alone. though i am loved by dozens of people, anyone would be happy to see me, to welcome me into their home, and i have a partner who loves me more than anyone else in this world, i am still alone. nothing can fill this void of mine. thank you.

6/17/2024

im sorry to those who read this, not that there is anyone. i am burdened by the desire to not seem like an annoying depressed loser crying for attention, i want anything but that. i would rather be hated by the whole world for my evilness and my cruelties than be thought of as an annoying loser, but that is what i believe i am. no better than anyone else. i love him very much. it becomes easier to love him every day. it becomes harder to love myself as my love for another grows. i grow hateful of many. i am working on my anxiety about as much as i am working on my art. do you see the updates in the gallery? no, you don't. there is nothing to see. i will surely die alone. i am sorry for never changing. i am sorry that i cannot explain to you that i hate myself more than i will ever care for you.

i find it harder to be a person every day that i am one. i struggle more than anyone and nothing is even wrong. that is what bothers me most about myself, truly nothing is wrong. it all comes from inside of me. i bombard myself for the smallest of mistakes. i still can't get over what i did all those years ago. i was just a kid, but that was the problem. i don't know if i can ever forgive myself on my own. i have an unbeliveable talent at making others uncomfortable. i suppose that's why i've chosen the career that i have. what better job for a terrible person than an artist?

7/2/2024

baka.... i am truly a baka

9/12/2024

his birthday is soon. a reminder that i haven't loved him enough. i haven't enough money to give him what he derserves, and what i deserve at the same time. i need my wisdom teeth removed. it may cost $500 and i wasted $300 on insurance i didn't need or use and now i'll only have $200 left over for him and his party. his presents alone will cost $100 or more... and then maybe $100 for dinner the night of his birth. then he has to pick up the pieces the rest of the month. im so sorry.. im so sorry... i learned it from my mother, to be poor with money. im so sorry. im so sorry. i wish i had more, i should be working, btu im sick, and i don't want to go outside. i dont want to stay inside either. i dont want to be anywhere. i dont want to be here with you anymore btu theres nowhere else id rather be. i dont want to have fun anymore and i dont know how to live like this. its so very hard. im no better than the people i look down on. im no better than who i thought i was saving you from. i wish it could all be over, i wish i didnt have to try so hard. i wish living wasnt so difficult. i wish i cared enough to try. id feel so much better if i just read one of the hundreds of books i bought for myself, or watch one of the movies i bought, or maybe listened to the music i pay for every month. but i just throw all that money away so i can feel like i have the option of being happy. i want the option to be happy so that i can turn it down and choose unhappiness. im so sorry. its your birthday soon and i can only think about myself. im so sorry.

drawing used to be my solace from feelings liek this. id draw my fantastical worlds of people just like me expressing themselves freely and feeling what i wished i could feel, it was like dreamign while i was awake- bringing things to life i wished coudl exist in my own world. but it hurts to draw. i did it too much, i tried too hard to escape and now a shame comes with it. i used ot think of drawing and playing on my ipad as different things. drawing seemed noble, while what everyone else was doing was immoral and cheap and divisive and useless. but now i see whart i do as no different. i was forced to take the charm away, to grow up and stop playing. i want so badly to go back now. i want to draw and escape again. i dont want to feel anything anymore, i want to go away forever. but my hand hurts and i dont know how to go back anymroe.